Daily struggles

Lately I am feeling a strong desire to jettison the male half of myself completely.  As a husband and a Dad this is not something that is easily done.  Keeping things inside and suppressed for half your life does no one any favors.   Stresses build inside until something breaks.  I get really irritable and depressed.

Snapping out of my funk takes several things.  Lately I am dressing in mostly fem for work.  Most is only noticeable by someone who is paying very close attention.  Friday I was in all fem in a blue floral top, skinny jeans and leather boots.  Monday, a yellow tunic, skinny jeans and a new belt.  Tuesday, feeling risque in a corset… The only thing keeping me from presenting fully is the shirt on top. Yesterday I got caught changing in the parking lot by the daily mass exodus, my coat the only thing covering a big surprise for my coworkers.  Every day I remove the cover on the way home in view of everyone.  A guy driving around in girly clothes.  For me this is a lot, perhaps the more I do it the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I am also shopping a lot.  Online shopping is both a joy and a curse.  Easy to do but sizing is all over the place.  I am trying to buy things I can wear daily, in the open, anywhere without a cover.  I bought some nice Pikolinos boots that aren’t too obvious but if anyone glances for more than a moment I am out.  The oxford blouse won’t bee too obvious other than the way it buttons and the short cuff.  The sunglasses are starting me down the accessory path.  Also eyeing some jewelry, are piercings next?  To be honest, except for stuff that is always hidden, I haven’t dressed en femme much in the past several years.  This is something that is slowly building inside and I am enjoying it.

Back at home, I had a talk with my wife.  We are not connecting and I am sure that the girly me has something t do with it.  While the subject of intimacy, future, desire, and other related topics is not easy, it was good to talk and it is something we do little of.  My wife has known about my fem side for a long time and was generally okay with clothes, estrogen, and make-up but till now I always kept hold of my male half.  Last night I told her that I long to be a woman and needed her to speak honestly about the subject.  So far she is concerned but still here.  I am not sure that she can accept a full transition though, and we need to approach things slowly.

Between the changes in my body, clothes, risky behavior, and conversations I am edging closer to my true self.  I am scared by my actions but happier because of them.

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On the Fence?

Make a decision to do something!

Are you struggling with your gender identity?  If you are, and don’t know where to go from here I have a few things for you to think about.

Make a decision to do something.  Every day that passes without you committing to explore your feelings is a missed opportunity.  Let’s face it, you, I, that guy over there, we are older than we were yesterday, and in MTF transgender terms that is another day for testosterone to change your body.  Testosterone is the enemy for us:  It makes our male facial structures more pronounced; it enlarges our rib cage; it makes us grow hair in places we don’t want it; when we are older it makes hair fall out of places we want it; it makes our complexion oily; it makes our skin tougher;… I think you get the point, the sooner testosterone is counteracted, the better off we are if we choose to transition.

What if you decide to start HRT and later determine it is not your path?  The answer is to start a discussion with a doctor before you begin, they won’t tell anyone else and they will let you know the consequences of taking a testosterone inhibitor or estrogen.  Things to ask about:

Fertility:  You may not be thinking about it now but there may come a time where offspring may become important.  Sterility comes eventually to those taking MTF HRT but there are measures you can take to preserve your genetic lineage.  Ask a doctor.

Blood Clots: Blood clots kill many on HRT because they do it in secret on the black market or overload on supplements.  Don’t do it alone! HRT requires periodic blood monitoring to look at your INR and hormone levels.  Work with a doctor!

Side effects:  This is the reason we are on HRT.  Boobs, soft skin, a butt, reduced libido, emotional breakdowns, they all come with estrogen.  The good news is you can start with just a T blocker and if it helps add estrogen along the way.  If you decide to go all in with estrogen and don’t like the effects stop.  Generally, after 6 months the effects are mostly reversible.  There may be some nipple development but nothing huge (no pun intended).  Ask a doctor.

The point is, the sooner you take action, the sooner you can either accept it or move on.  A few years ago it was harder to take action.  Rules were accepted that you had to go to a therapist, live as your chosen gender… While I recommend seeing a therapist, the other stuff was the medical community keeping us from exploring our truth.  Today there is informed consent.  This means that the doctor can present the options to you and you can make an informed decision for yourself.  One caveat, you must be an adult over 18.  Otherwise, start talking with your parents and bring them in on the conversation with a doctor.  Even postponing the effects of puberty will provide opportunity to explore.

Why am I encouraging you to at least explore the possibilities and consequences?  Because If I would have had the opportunity that exists today, I might be presenting myself differently.  I could have had a skeletal frame that is closer to a girls, I could have had hips, I wouldn’t be shaving, and when dressed en femme, I would look closer to how I feel.

I am happy and grateful for what I have today and accept what I don’t.  Estrogen really is a wonderful thing, and even at 40+ I notice big changes as do others.  Embracing both the male and female aspects of my life are how I get through happy.  If I could relive my younger years with the opportunities available today would I take it?  I look at my life as a whole, I say no, but I have a wonderful family that I adore.  If I were charting a fresh path I would be all in.