Daily struggles

Lately I am feeling a strong desire to jettison the male half of myself completely.  As a husband and a Dad this is not something that is easily done.  Keeping things inside and suppressed for half your life does no one any favors.   Stresses build inside until something breaks.  I get really irritable and depressed.

Snapping out of my funk takes several things.  Lately I am dressing in mostly fem for work.  Most is only noticeable by someone who is paying very close attention.  Friday I was in all fem in a blue floral top, skinny jeans and leather boots.  Monday, a yellow tunic, skinny jeans and a new belt.  Tuesday, feeling risque in a corset… The only thing keeping me from presenting fully is the shirt on top. Yesterday I got caught changing in the parking lot by the daily mass exodus, my coat the only thing covering a big surprise for my coworkers.  Every day I remove the cover on the way home in view of everyone.  A guy driving around in girly clothes.  For me this is a lot, perhaps the more I do it the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I am also shopping a lot.  Online shopping is both a joy and a curse.  Easy to do but sizing is all over the place.  I am trying to buy things I can wear daily, in the open, anywhere without a cover.  I bought some nice Pikolinos boots that aren’t too obvious but if anyone glances for more than a moment I am out.  The oxford blouse won’t bee too obvious other than the way it buttons and the short cuff.  The sunglasses are starting me down the accessory path.  Also eyeing some jewelry, are piercings next?  To be honest, except for stuff that is always hidden, I haven’t dressed en femme much in the past several years.  This is something that is slowly building inside and I am enjoying it.

Back at home, I had a talk with my wife.  We are not connecting and I am sure that the girly me has something t do with it.  While the subject of intimacy, future, desire, and other related topics is not easy, it was good to talk and it is something we do little of.  My wife has known about my fem side for a long time and was generally okay with clothes, estrogen, and make-up but till now I always kept hold of my male half.  Last night I told her that I long to be a woman and needed her to speak honestly about the subject.  So far she is concerned but still here.  I am not sure that she can accept a full transition though, and we need to approach things slowly.

Between the changes in my body, clothes, risky behavior, and conversations I am edging closer to my true self.  I am scared by my actions but happier because of them.

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Being a Trans Father

…don’t show up suddenly as Mrs. Doubtfire

It has been a while since my last post.  With school starting and work piling up there isn’t much time for writing.  Still I am sure many out there wonder how kids accept a dad in a dress.

Frankly my daughters just think I am silly.  Right or wrong they see the world as “binary” and dad is just funny.  I teach them that people are free to be themselves and they can do, wear, and be whatever they like as long as they aren’t hurting anyone or being mean.  Despite our talks they still put gender labels on things but they only really object when I want to be their Disney character for Halloween (Elsa is off the table).

The point is have fun with your kids and be yourself.  You are just mom or dad to them and really that has little to do with gender or what clothes you wear and more to do with actions and love.  Introduce your trans-self gradually and naturally, without a fuss, and it is no big deal.  What you do not want to do is shock them.  If your kids are used to seeing you as a guy, don’t show up suddenly as Mrs. Doubtfire and think everything will be okay.  Big changes are scary to kids and adding trauma is not in anyone’s best interest.

Relationships

How do you engage in dating and relationships when you are a guy who wants to be a girl, but likes girls too?  I wish I had an answer that would work for everyone but we are all on different places on the gender and sexuality spectrums and where you sit in each of these areas will influence how you should move forward.

Someone once told me to speak your truth when addressing things of difficulty.  My truth in dating and sexuality is that I like women, no I love women more than most could.  I love how they look, how they think, how they dress, how they smell.  I want to know what they think and what they feel.  That innate desire to be a woman enhances how much I can love a women.  Even in my first sexual encounter with my first true girlfriend, I asked and wanted to know if she felt things as I did when making love.

While I love women I have somewhat of a disgust toward men.  Don’t get me wrong, I have close guy friends but I find their appearance repulsive and often I am I am repulsed by their views and actions.  Most of those who I am friends with these days are women.  I have always been the confidant, the one who listens.  I relate better to women than men, and open up to them more than I can with my guy friends.

The fact that I am often just another friend gets in the way of many relationships but the ones I had were very intense, close, and intimate.  Break-ups were also very difficult because of the intense emotional connection I/we would develop.  Through high school and college my girlfriends did not know about my desires and I would not change that.  During these times I was working on becoming myself and learning for my future.  While my relationships were committed, I was not ready for THE commitment.  That changed in my mid 20’s.  At this point I was ready to begin a career and had no objections to going off into the world with someone along my side.

Early on in our relationship, I introduced my now wife to my likes by playing around with her lingerie with her present.  Eventually noticing my interests she would dress up more for me ant that transitioned into me trying a few things on…  My point is if you want to introduce your partner to anything, take it slow.  Running out of the closet saying I’m here isn’t going to work and will likely leave you alone.  Think about all the stress and trauma associated with being trans has caused over the years.  Now imagine what it must be like to unload on a significant other all at once, not a good experience to say the least.  A gradual introduction allows exploration together, creates intimacy, and may very well foster a long relationship.

Keeping everything a secret is definitely not good either.  I can’t say how many stories I have read about the wife finding the stash of girly things and the relationship ending in a bitter divorce.  If you are hiding something all trust and honesty is thrown out of the relationship.  My wife knew I had a girly side before we were married.  Because of this, my girl side was allowed to grow and my wife came along by my side.  I have more lingerie than my wife and it doesn’t matter.  She helped me with shopping, bought me make-up, and even encouraged me to continue with hormone replacement therapy.  If someone doesn’t want to be part of all of your life and know all of who you are then you were not meant for each other, but don’t shock them on your first date either.