Lately I am feeling a strong desire to jettison the male half of myself completely. As a husband and a Dad this is not something that is easily done. Keeping things inside and suppressed for half your life does no one any favors. Stresses build inside until something breaks. I get really irritable and depressed.
Snapping out of my funk takes several things. Lately I am dressing in mostly fem for work. Most is only noticeable by someone who is paying very close attention. Friday I was in all fem in a blue floral top, skinny jeans and leather boots. Monday, a yellow tunic, skinny jeans and a new belt. Tuesday, feeling risque in a corset… The only thing keeping me from presenting fully is the shirt on top. Yesterday I got caught changing in the parking lot by the daily mass exodus, my coat the only thing covering a big surprise for my coworkers. Every day I remove the cover on the way home in view of everyone. A guy driving around in girly clothes. For me this is a lot, perhaps the more I do it the more comfortable I will be with myself.
I am also shopping a lot. Online shopping is both a joy and a curse. Easy to do but sizing is all over the place. I am trying to buy things I can wear daily, in the open, anywhere without a cover. I bought some nice Pikolinos boots that aren’t too obvious but if anyone glances for more than a moment I am out. The oxford blouse won’t bee too obvious other than the way it buttons and the short cuff. The sunglasses are starting me down the accessory path. Also eyeing some jewelry, are piercings next? To be honest, except for stuff that is always hidden, I haven’t dressed en femme much in the past several years. This is something that is slowly building inside and I am enjoying it.
Back at home, I had a talk with my wife. We are not connecting and I am sure that the girly me has something t do with it. While the subject of intimacy, future, desire, and other related topics is not easy, it was good to talk and it is something we do little of. My wife has known about my fem side for a long time and was generally okay with clothes, estrogen, and make-up but till now I always kept hold of my male half. Last night I told her that I long to be a woman and needed her to speak honestly about the subject. So far she is concerned but still here. I am not sure that she can accept a full transition though, and we need to approach things slowly.
Between the changes in my body, clothes, risky behavior, and conversations I am edging closer to my true self. I am scared by my actions but happier because of them.