Daily struggles

Lately I am feeling a strong desire to jettison the male half of myself completely.  As a husband and a Dad this is not something that is easily done.  Keeping things inside and suppressed for half your life does no one any favors.   Stresses build inside until something breaks.  I get really irritable and depressed.

Snapping out of my funk takes several things.  Lately I am dressing in mostly fem for work.  Most is only noticeable by someone who is paying very close attention.  Friday I was in all fem in a blue floral top, skinny jeans and leather boots.  Monday, a yellow tunic, skinny jeans and a new belt.  Tuesday, feeling risque in a corset… The only thing keeping me from presenting fully is the shirt on top. Yesterday I got caught changing in the parking lot by the daily mass exodus, my coat the only thing covering a big surprise for my coworkers.  Every day I remove the cover on the way home in view of everyone.  A guy driving around in girly clothes.  For me this is a lot, perhaps the more I do it the more comfortable I will be with myself.

I am also shopping a lot.  Online shopping is both a joy and a curse.  Easy to do but sizing is all over the place.  I am trying to buy things I can wear daily, in the open, anywhere without a cover.  I bought some nice Pikolinos boots that aren’t too obvious but if anyone glances for more than a moment I am out.  The oxford blouse won’t bee too obvious other than the way it buttons and the short cuff.  The sunglasses are starting me down the accessory path.  Also eyeing some jewelry, are piercings next?  To be honest, except for stuff that is always hidden, I haven’t dressed en femme much in the past several years.  This is something that is slowly building inside and I am enjoying it.

Back at home, I had a talk with my wife.  We are not connecting and I am sure that the girly me has something t do with it.  While the subject of intimacy, future, desire, and other related topics is not easy, it was good to talk and it is something we do little of.  My wife has known about my fem side for a long time and was generally okay with clothes, estrogen, and make-up but till now I always kept hold of my male half.  Last night I told her that I long to be a woman and needed her to speak honestly about the subject.  So far she is concerned but still here.  I am not sure that she can accept a full transition though, and we need to approach things slowly.

Between the changes in my body, clothes, risky behavior, and conversations I am edging closer to my true self.  I am scared by my actions but happier because of them.


Time for me.

Sounds selfish, “time for me” but I have been neglecting myself for 6 months or more.  Today I am dressed for me.  Nothing outlandish, and only noticeable if my coworkers look close enough to notice the skinny jeans, baby blue accented sneakers, and stockings showing at the ankles.  My top is covered by an over-shirt but the point is this is the first time in a while that I am dressed for the day, top to bottom, and it is great.

Having multiple roles pulls me away from being myself.  I am a Dad and give my girls everything I have.  I am a husband who truly wants nothing but happiness and love for my wife.  I am a manager supervising many employees and projects.  I am a Son who loves his parents.  What I often leave out is that I am also transgender and my female side often is left on the curb waiting while I attend to everything else.

This blog is a way for me to connect to the realities of my trans-self.  I am not here to promote a trans agenda, I am here to get my thoughts and feelings out in the open.  Hopefully, someone out there finds it helpful, but the reality it is easier and cheaper than therapy.  Connecting here, is getting in touch with my true self, the self on the curb waiting for acknowledgement.

It would likely be easier if I just said “fuck it, I am coming out” but despite my ramblings here, I am a private person, introverted and don’t like to share.  I am “out” to a few, I am positive many others strongly suspect, and even my parents have noticed certain pieces of anatomy.  Coming out to all would release so much pressure but add others.

So what now?  Figuring it out.  Gonna start by finding some androgynous clothing.  Need to satisfy myself short of putting myself in the spotlight.  Eventually I may be ready but not yet.  Also want to style my hair differently, nothing overt but want something that is cute enough to put a smile on my face in the mirror.  HRT will be coming back  soon but I want to get into an exercise routine first.  Need to be in better health.

Categorization, Stop It!

We are all transgender in one way or another, even you!

What is transgender?  I think that this isn’t as obvious or clear as we think it might be.  To start off I think we need to talk biology.

In nature, the perception is that we are defined as either male or female through our chromosomes.  Females are born with XX chromosomes, and males are born with XY chromosomes.  Simple right?  Wrong!  There are many genetic conditions that take another path.  Men with Chappelle syndrome have XX chromosomes and male features. Androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS) can result in females with male chromosomes.  There are a variety of intersex conditions where attributes, hormones, and chromosomes can vary in a variety of ways.  People can have more or less than 2 chromosomes in numerous combinations.  Even in nature there are exceptions to the general rules, more than the binary male and female categories.

Even in the Trans world, most of us fit into the most common male and female categories biologically, why don’t we just stick with it?  Turning the question around, why would we subject ourselves to the insensitivity, the bias, the pain and expense of medical treatment if we didn’t have to?  Some of us are happy to express ourselves as the opposite gender once in a while.  Some of us hang out in the middle in an androgynous state.  Some of us must do everything we can to shed our assigned gender.  There are endless possibilities in the way we inherently are.  In reality, all of us lie somewhere between male and female in our personalities, preferences, and actions.  We are all transgender in one way or another, even you!

Shocked that I would make such a statement?  You shouldn’t be, what we typically categorize as transgender (even among ourselves) are the extremes.  Everyone has likes and preferences that make them who they are.  Some like classical music some like rock, and others like a variety of styles.  I hate liver, you might like it.  My closest friends are women and yours may be men.  I like pink, you may like red.  I like silk, you may like canvas.  I hate body hair, you may be a mammoth.  There are millions of attributes that make us who we are.  Are you the stereotypical male or female?  I guarantee that in some way you depart from what is expected.  I am not all stereotypical Trans either.  I like working in the garage, going to races, driving sports cars, riding motorcycles, and four wheeling, all stereotypical guy stuff.  I also like romance, lingerie, dresses, and make-up.  Three quarter of the clothes I am wearing right now, at work, are from the women’s section though it is not obvious.  I am on hormone therapy and have breasts, a nice round ass and soft skin and that is the way I need it.  The point is I don’t want to be defined as a man or a woman or transgender.  I am me, different from everyone and all I want is to be able to express myself freely as I am.

Freedom is what it comes down to.  If there is nothing wrong with being masculine or feminine why should anyone care if I wear dresses, grow boobs and shave my legs.  If the time came where I wanted to alter my body to match the way I am inside, I am still not hurting anyone assuming my other half was on-board.  I read that acceptance of transgender people is harder because we ask those around us to accept us as the gender we are presenting as.  I really don’t care what gender you think I am and I think we go overboard with our demands sometimes.  All I want is for society to accept me for who I am in total. Realize that we all have many attributes that when combined make us who we are.  You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to understand, but please be curious, ask a question, I am more than a different exterior.


How do you engage in dating and relationships when you are a guy who wants to be a girl, but likes girls too?  I wish I had an answer that would work for everyone but we are all on different places on the gender and sexuality spectrums and where you sit in each of these areas will influence how you should move forward.

Someone once told me to speak your truth when addressing things of difficulty.  My truth in dating and sexuality is that I like women, no I love women more than most could.  I love how they look, how they think, how they dress, how they smell.  I want to know what they think and what they feel.  That innate desire to be a woman enhances how much I can love a women.  Even in my first sexual encounter with my first true girlfriend, I asked and wanted to know if she felt things as I did when making love.

While I love women I have somewhat of a disgust toward men.  Don’t get me wrong, I have close guy friends but I find their appearance repulsive and often I am I am repulsed by their views and actions.  Most of those who I am friends with these days are women.  I have always been the confidant, the one who listens.  I relate better to women than men, and open up to them more than I can with my guy friends.

The fact that I am often just another friend gets in the way of many relationships but the ones I had were very intense, close, and intimate.  Break-ups were also very difficult because of the intense emotional connection I/we would develop.  Through high school and college my girlfriends did not know about my desires and I would not change that.  During these times I was working on becoming myself and learning for my future.  While my relationships were committed, I was not ready for THE commitment.  That changed in my mid 20’s.  At this point I was ready to begin a career and had no objections to going off into the world with someone along my side.

Early on in our relationship, I introduced my now wife to my likes by playing around with her lingerie with her present.  Eventually noticing my interests she would dress up more for me ant that transitioned into me trying a few things on…  My point is if you want to introduce your partner to anything, take it slow.  Running out of the closet saying I’m here isn’t going to work and will likely leave you alone.  Think about all the stress and trauma associated with being trans has caused over the years.  Now imagine what it must be like to unload on a significant other all at once, not a good experience to say the least.  A gradual introduction allows exploration together, creates intimacy, and may very well foster a long relationship.

Keeping everything a secret is definitely not good either.  I can’t say how many stories I have read about the wife finding the stash of girly things and the relationship ending in a bitter divorce.  If you are hiding something all trust and honesty is thrown out of the relationship.  My wife knew I had a girly side before we were married.  Because of this, my girl side was allowed to grow and my wife came along by my side.  I have more lingerie than my wife and it doesn’t matter.  She helped me with shopping, bought me make-up, and even encouraged me to continue with hormone replacement therapy.  If someone doesn’t want to be part of all of your life and know all of who you are then you were not meant for each other, but don’t shock them on your first date either.

Binge and Purge

Getting past the irrational fear of buying girl things is not easy.  It is not too different from trying to buy beer underage, you know that it goes against the rules someone could question you at any time.  The fact is that your average minimum wage worker could care less and is more concerned with their next brake than worrying about weather that pair of leggings is for you or your girlfriend. In any case the stress is real and if you are going to buy something you better take full advantage of the opportunity.

Online shopping helps some but it is hard to see if those stiletto pumps fit from a keyboard.  I have acquired a few wasted purchases.  There are ways that the internet can help the transgender shopper.  It is not often that you see breast forms at your local Walmart or a size 44 bra at Victoria’s Secret.  Make-up is even worse for the inexperienced, it would likely be less stressful to sit down at the closest beauty counter and get a makeover than it is to try and figure out the differences between foundation, concealer, shadows, and blushes online.  Then there is the exfoliation, the moisturizing and everything else girls do to look good.  I now understand why there are huge sections in every store devoted to these products.  Girls have it pretty difficult.  Knowing the stresses of purchasing all of the products that women use and wear you would think we would hold on to our stash forever, but we don’t.

During times of change, self-doubt, and new relationships all the things we worked so hard for can go away in seconds.  The process is called purging.  Tired of the stress of it all, purge; Moving to college; purge; New relationship, purge.  We delude ourselves into thinking we can change; however, we are what we are, we feel what we feel, it is not a choice and we need to satisfy the girl within.  It is the natural tendencies you see in small children, most of the time girls like girly things and boys like boy things, for us it is just reversed.  While it is not a choice what we are drawn to, I could make a choice to live an unhappy life and deny myself of what I need.  I have tried it, I have purged and committed myself to an assigned existence but the girl within always finds her way out.

Worse than the purge is the forced purge.  I was found out at an early age.  I kept my things in my closet and under the bed in a box.  Sure enough my mother found it and I was questioned and everything was gone in an instant.  It is like having your heart ripped out.  I never answered the questions asked.  I made up a story and moved on.  The collection started again.  I am still in the closet with my clothes.


I started to realize my interest in women was a bit different in late elementary school and early junior high.  I had a friend whose parents were more open to a child’s curiosity in the opposite sex.  Needless to say at his house I had access to a wide array of men’s magazines.  Like any other boy entering puberty I was enthralled with the anatomy of a woman but there was a difference.  I didn’t just want to see the images, I wanted to be the images.

In those pages was also my first exposure to a person at the time a called transsexual.  There was an article about work with hormones where men could grow breasts.  I remember my thoughts at the time, I wanted to experience the same thing, and I wanted to be a girl.

I’d noticed in my younger years that women’s clothes were also different.  The materials were soft and silky, there were many styles and overall they were more interesting than cotton shirts and blue jeans.  I felt the materials every time I was in a department store and I certainly didn’t miss the lingerie section.

Lingerie, why are we drawn to it?  Many think it is a perversion, sexual and nothing else.  I see it different though.  Sure it is sexy as hell, teasing in all the right ways, but it is also part of the variety of clothing that isn’t experienced as a male.  There is something else along with the variety that draws us, it is a way we can get in touch with our feminine side and it is experienced in secret.  It is an opportunity to feel feminine without anyone knowing, without casting judgement and shame.  It is one of the first opportunities to feel closer to who we are.  I won’t go into how I started out wearing lingerie, there are plenty of stories on the web that can fill in the blanks.  I will only say that I never went back to how it was and I started my stash, my collection.  I was in junior high when I purchased my first pieces of lingerie, a couple of Playmate satin panties and a teddy.  I was scared to death heading to the register at the Target store.  I wanted to get out of line as soon as possible to avoid the prying eyes that I knew were judging me.  I was elated once my purchase was complete and I hurried to the restroom to put on the teddy and hide the underwear in my jacket pockets so that my mom wouldn’t see them.  Purchases seem much easier today with automated check-out so prevalent.  Soon I accumulated pantyhose from drugstores and other items as I found time to make the purchases.

I wore lingerie most days I didn’t have Gym Class, reveling in my little secret.  At home I would dress in old women’s clothes filling the extra closet space.  Washing would happen discretely in the bathroom sink and would be hung to dry in the back of the closet.  and night-time was my chance to wear the fun stuff.  Things went this way through high school, less often once I started dating.

Even when dating the topic of lingerie came up, one of my girlfriends Julie showed me a picture of a silk camisole and asked if I liked it.  Of course I liked it, and it opened the door for conversation about what I would like to see her wear, little did she know I wanted to wear it too.


Hi, I’m Davina

Life is confusing sometimes.  This is where I sort it all out.  I am Davina, a heterosexual male who has longed to be a woman since I can remember.  These are my challenges and triumphs in my daily struggle to find my place.

In this politically charged society it is hard hanging out in the middle.  That is exactly how I feel, I want to be a girl but know that no matter what changes I may make, deep down I cannot change the basics of my biology.  There is no magic pill to transform me, I cannot alter my body enough to truly know what it is like to be a woman, and I cannot force myself or society to accept me as I am or view me as I want to be.  Yin and Yang meet where I begin and forever pull me in two directions.  The best I can do is make some changes in my life to allow me to enjoy my feminine side and all that women take for granted every day.

I think it was second grade when I realized I was a bit different.  Boys being their cruel selves said I looked like a girl.  I don’t know if I did or not but I always appreciated the opposite sex and was more comfortable in their company.  I played the boy role too, played as the rest of the boys did, Superman, Batman and Robin ran around in the back yard but i payed much more attention to Linda Carter on TV playing Wonder Woman.  I see kids today like ‘Jazz’ and think that I never even had the possibility to dress as a girl.  I did play dress-up but always under a false protest as a cousin would doll me up in some way.  I suppose that this starts to bring up how it started for me, I noticed and appreciated the things that girls had and I didn’t.  Some may think it is sexual, a perversion, but I think it is something more.  It was envy, I wanted those things too.

Late Elementary is where the curiosity really took off and where the blog will continue.