Can’t help but notice…

“So you like my tits!”

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It is hard to resist instinct.  Most guys can’t help but glance down to catch a glimpse of a little cleavage.  I image it might be the same for girls attracted to the same sex (you are free to comment).  I think it is even harder for me to keep eye contact when both attraction and envy are at play.

I didn’t really know what this was like until I started to grow breasts of my own.  I spend most of the day as a guy, and let my hair down at home.  Still there is no ignoring the obvious in front of me.  I probably have a B cup size these days and they are obvious to me, my kids, my parents (ugh), certainly my wife, and the COWORKERS.  The latter category is where most of the looks down come from.  Male, female, they are equal offenders.  I think they actually look more than I do!  I wonder what questions might be in their head:

Low testosterone? Yes.  Gynecomastia? Yes but self-induced.  Trans? Definitely on that spectrum.  HRT?  Absolutely!

I don’t share my gender issues with anyone except those who are closest with me (and in a blog of course), but I wish someone would ask about my boobs so I could get some satisfaction out of the shock value and humor of it all.  I know the glances I receive are out of curiosity and not lust, but I would like to blurt out, “So you like my tits!”  I can only imagine the horror and surprised looks on their faces.

In the past, I could bury my treasures in baggy clothes, but at this point it really doesn’t matter what I wear and that has helped me accept who I am a little more.  I am still horrified when I see pictures of myself on Facebook with my bra outline clearly visible.  Does everyone else see it?  I am sure there are girls at work who know, others that may also see it, but despite my fears this is also good and helps lead me further down the path of being myself.

I am still a bit self-conscious about my appearance considering I still present myself as a man.  Slowly I push my envelope and add new femininity into my everyday life.  Despite my fears, I desperately want my breasts to keep growing and perhaps show off a little more of my cleavage.

Relationships

How do you engage in dating and relationships when you are a guy who wants to be a girl, but likes girls too?  I wish I had an answer that would work for everyone but we are all on different places on the gender and sexuality spectrums and where you sit in each of these areas will influence how you should move forward.

Someone once told me to speak your truth when addressing things of difficulty.  My truth in dating and sexuality is that I like women, no I love women more than most could.  I love how they look, how they think, how they dress, how they smell.  I want to know what they think and what they feel.  That innate desire to be a woman enhances how much I can love a women.  Even in my first sexual encounter with my first true girlfriend, I asked and wanted to know if she felt things as I did when making love.

While I love women I have somewhat of a disgust toward men.  Don’t get me wrong, I have close guy friends but I find their appearance repulsive and often I am I am repulsed by their views and actions.  Most of those who I am friends with these days are women.  I have always been the confidant, the one who listens.  I relate better to women than men, and open up to them more than I can with my guy friends.

The fact that I am often just another friend gets in the way of many relationships but the ones I had were very intense, close, and intimate.  Break-ups were also very difficult because of the intense emotional connection I/we would develop.  Through high school and college my girlfriends did not know about my desires and I would not change that.  During these times I was working on becoming myself and learning for my future.  While my relationships were committed, I was not ready for THE commitment.  That changed in my mid 20’s.  At this point I was ready to begin a career and had no objections to going off into the world with someone along my side.

Early on in our relationship, I introduced my now wife to my likes by playing around with her lingerie with her present.  Eventually noticing my interests she would dress up more for me ant that transitioned into me trying a few things on…  My point is if you want to introduce your partner to anything, take it slow.  Running out of the closet saying I’m here isn’t going to work and will likely leave you alone.  Think about all the stress and trauma associated with being trans has caused over the years.  Now imagine what it must be like to unload on a significant other all at once, not a good experience to say the least.  A gradual introduction allows exploration together, creates intimacy, and may very well foster a long relationship.

Keeping everything a secret is definitely not good either.  I can’t say how many stories I have read about the wife finding the stash of girly things and the relationship ending in a bitter divorce.  If you are hiding something all trust and honesty is thrown out of the relationship.  My wife knew I had a girly side before we were married.  Because of this, my girl side was allowed to grow and my wife came along by my side.  I have more lingerie than my wife and it doesn’t matter.  She helped me with shopping, bought me make-up, and even encouraged me to continue with hormone replacement therapy.  If someone doesn’t want to be part of all of your life and know all of who you are then you were not meant for each other, but don’t shock them on your first date either.

Binge and Purge

Getting past the irrational fear of buying girl things is not easy.  It is not too different from trying to buy beer underage, you know that it goes against the rules someone could question you at any time.  The fact is that your average minimum wage worker could care less and is more concerned with their next brake than worrying about weather that pair of leggings is for you or your girlfriend. In any case the stress is real and if you are going to buy something you better take full advantage of the opportunity.

Online shopping helps some but it is hard to see if those stiletto pumps fit from a keyboard.  I have acquired a few wasted purchases.  There are ways that the internet can help the transgender shopper.  It is not often that you see breast forms at your local Walmart or a size 44 bra at Victoria’s Secret.  Make-up is even worse for the inexperienced, it would likely be less stressful to sit down at the closest beauty counter and get a makeover than it is to try and figure out the differences between foundation, concealer, shadows, and blushes online.  Then there is the exfoliation, the moisturizing and everything else girls do to look good.  I now understand why there are huge sections in every store devoted to these products.  Girls have it pretty difficult.  Knowing the stresses of purchasing all of the products that women use and wear you would think we would hold on to our stash forever, but we don’t.

During times of change, self-doubt, and new relationships all the things we worked so hard for can go away in seconds.  The process is called purging.  Tired of the stress of it all, purge; Moving to college; purge; New relationship, purge.  We delude ourselves into thinking we can change; however, we are what we are, we feel what we feel, it is not a choice and we need to satisfy the girl within.  It is the natural tendencies you see in small children, most of the time girls like girly things and boys like boy things, for us it is just reversed.  While it is not a choice what we are drawn to, I could make a choice to live an unhappy life and deny myself of what I need.  I have tried it, I have purged and committed myself to an assigned existence but the girl within always finds her way out.

Worse than the purge is the forced purge.  I was found out at an early age.  I kept my things in my closet and under the bed in a box.  Sure enough my mother found it and I was questioned and everything was gone in an instant.  It is like having your heart ripped out.  I never answered the questions asked.  I made up a story and moved on.  The collection started again.  I am still in the closet with my clothes.

Discovery

I started to realize my interest in women was a bit different in late elementary school and early junior high.  I had a friend whose parents were more open to a child’s curiosity in the opposite sex.  Needless to say at his house I had access to a wide array of men’s magazines.  Like any other boy entering puberty I was enthralled with the anatomy of a woman but there was a difference.  I didn’t just want to see the images, I wanted to be the images.

In those pages was also my first exposure to a person at the time a called transsexual.  There was an article about work with hormones where men could grow breasts.  I remember my thoughts at the time, I wanted to experience the same thing, and I wanted to be a girl.

I’d noticed in my younger years that women’s clothes were also different.  The materials were soft and silky, there were many styles and overall they were more interesting than cotton shirts and blue jeans.  I felt the materials every time I was in a department store and I certainly didn’t miss the lingerie section.

Lingerie, why are we drawn to it?  Many think it is a perversion, sexual and nothing else.  I see it different though.  Sure it is sexy as hell, teasing in all the right ways, but it is also part of the variety of clothing that isn’t experienced as a male.  There is something else along with the variety that draws us, it is a way we can get in touch with our feminine side and it is experienced in secret.  It is an opportunity to feel feminine without anyone knowing, without casting judgement and shame.  It is one of the first opportunities to feel closer to who we are.  I won’t go into how I started out wearing lingerie, there are plenty of stories on the web that can fill in the blanks.  I will only say that I never went back to how it was and I started my stash, my collection.  I was in junior high when I purchased my first pieces of lingerie, a couple of Playmate satin panties and a teddy.  I was scared to death heading to the register at the Target store.  I wanted to get out of line as soon as possible to avoid the prying eyes that I knew were judging me.  I was elated once my purchase was complete and I hurried to the restroom to put on the teddy and hide the underwear in my jacket pockets so that my mom wouldn’t see them.  Purchases seem much easier today with automated check-out so prevalent.  Soon I accumulated pantyhose from drugstores and other items as I found time to make the purchases.

I wore lingerie most days I didn’t have Gym Class, reveling in my little secret.  At home I would dress in old women’s clothes filling the extra closet space.  Washing would happen discretely in the bathroom sink and would be hung to dry in the back of the closet.  and night-time was my chance to wear the fun stuff.  Things went this way through high school, less often once I started dating.

Even when dating the topic of lingerie came up, one of my girlfriends Julie showed me a picture of a silk camisole and asked if I liked it.  Of course I liked it, and it opened the door for conversation about what I would like to see her wear, little did she know I wanted to wear it too.

 

Hi, I’m Davina

Life is confusing sometimes.  This is where I sort it all out.  I am Davina, a heterosexual male who has longed to be a woman since I can remember.  These are my challenges and triumphs in my daily struggle to find my place.

In this politically charged society it is hard hanging out in the middle.  That is exactly how I feel, I want to be a girl but know that no matter what changes I may make, deep down I cannot change the basics of my biology.  There is no magic pill to transform me, I cannot alter my body enough to truly know what it is like to be a woman, and I cannot force myself or society to accept me as I am or view me as I want to be.  Yin and Yang meet where I begin and forever pull me in two directions.  The best I can do is make some changes in my life to allow me to enjoy my feminine side and all that women take for granted every day.

I think it was second grade when I realized I was a bit different.  Boys being their cruel selves said I looked like a girl.  I don’t know if I did or not but I always appreciated the opposite sex and was more comfortable in their company.  I played the boy role too, played as the rest of the boys did, Superman, Batman and Robin ran around in the back yard but i payed much more attention to Linda Carter on TV playing Wonder Woman.  I see kids today like ‘Jazz’ and think that I never even had the possibility to dress as a girl.  I did play dress-up but always under a false protest as a cousin would doll me up in some way.  I suppose that this starts to bring up how it started for me, I noticed and appreciated the things that girls had and I didn’t.  Some may think it is sexual, a perversion, but I think it is something more.  It was envy, I wanted those things too.

Late Elementary is where the curiosity really took off and where the blog will continue.