Binge and Purge

Getting past the irrational fear of buying girl things is not easy.  It is not too different from trying to buy beer underage, you know that it goes against the rules someone could question you at any time.  The fact is that your average minimum wage worker could care less and is more concerned with their next brake than worrying about weather that pair of leggings is for you or your girlfriend. In any case the stress is real and if you are going to buy something you better take full advantage of the opportunity.

Online shopping helps some but it is hard to see if those stiletto pumps fit from a keyboard.  I have acquired a few wasted purchases.  There are ways that the internet can help the transgender shopper.  It is not often that you see breast forms at your local Walmart or a size 44 bra at Victoria’s Secret.  Make-up is even worse for the inexperienced, it would likely be less stressful to sit down at the closest beauty counter and get a makeover than it is to try and figure out the differences between foundation, concealer, shadows, and blushes online.  Then there is the exfoliation, the moisturizing and everything else girls do to look good.  I now understand why there are huge sections in every store devoted to these products.  Girls have it pretty difficult.  Knowing the stresses of purchasing all of the products that women use and wear you would think we would hold on to our stash forever, but we don’t.

During times of change, self-doubt, and new relationships all the things we worked so hard for can go away in seconds.  The process is called purging.  Tired of the stress of it all, purge; Moving to college; purge; New relationship, purge.  We delude ourselves into thinking we can change; however, we are what we are, we feel what we feel, it is not a choice and we need to satisfy the girl within.  It is the natural tendencies you see in small children, most of the time girls like girly things and boys like boy things, for us it is just reversed.  While it is not a choice what we are drawn to, I could make a choice to live an unhappy life and deny myself of what I need.  I have tried it, I have purged and committed myself to an assigned existence but the girl within always finds her way out.

Worse than the purge is the forced purge.  I was found out at an early age.  I kept my things in my closet and under the bed in a box.  Sure enough my mother found it and I was questioned and everything was gone in an instant.  It is like having your heart ripped out.  I never answered the questions asked.  I made up a story and moved on.  The collection started again.  I am still in the closet with my clothes.


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